


Everyone Wants Ted

by BookofOdym



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Justice League International (Comics)
Genre: Dirty Thoughts, M/M, Max is a Filthy Filthy Man, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Fantasy, Should I add Ralph?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:40:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookofOdym/pseuds/BookofOdym
Summary: Ted thinks that with the way he looks no one would ever be attracted to him, little does he know that his entire team wants to jump his bones.
Relationships: Beatriz da Costa/Ted Kord/Tora Olafsdotter, Guy Gardner/Ted Kord, Michael Carter/Ted Kord, Ted Kord/J'onn J'onzz, Ted Kord/Maxwell Lord, Ted Kord/Ralph Dibny, Ted Kord/Scott Free, Ted Kord/Scott Free/Big Barda
Comments: 9
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

Ted knew that he wasn’t... exactly the hottest guy around. No one had been interested in him while he was at school. As they had always said, he hadn’t been physically fit... he had been physically fat. Add to that mix a shock of bright red hair (insert your typical ginger joke here... not that he had even been ginger in the first place. His hair was auburn), and he had been the butt of every single appearance-based joke. The first time he’d ever told a girl he had feelings for her, the look of disgust on her face had been palpable. He still flashed back to that moment every time he had to even talk to an attractive woman. 

It wasn’t like he was a virgin, but people had only started showing interest in him after he had built up a multi-national company. People saw a man with money, and they flocked to him, giving up his company meant that he’d had nearly a year-long dry spell, which meant that none of those people, no matter what they had said at the time... really found him attractive. 

They made jokes about Ralph Dibny being a four, but Ted was fairly certain that if you showed his picture to anyone, they would rate him a four-point five. He wasn’t that much above Ralph. 

The problem was being on a team with a bunch of, frankly, really attractive people. Booster was like some kind of Greek God, tanned skin, hard muscles, and golden hair, even going out with him Ted could practically see all the eyes on them, wondering why someone like Booster would ever be friends with someone like him. Not that he could ever tell Booster that because the blond was completely oblivious to the situation and would just stare at him blankly. There was the added problem that maybe... he was a little in love with Booster, and the thought of what Boost would think if he ever saw Ted naked... was frankly a little bit terrifying. 

Scott and Barda were... well they were New Gods, of course, Scott was one of his best friends, and sometimes it could be hard to imagine him being... literally divine, but the point was both of them were so far above Ted it was ridiculous. 

Guy reminded him of the time in high school when he had a crush on the captain of the football team. They had been in the same grade, although Ted had been two years younger at the time. Sometimes... it was better if people didn’t find out about your crushes, Ted had made the mistake of telling a friend, and by the end of the week, the news had spread throughout the school. Finding the entire football team waiting for him outside the gate had been the most terrifying moment of his life (well, up to that point, at least), and his bruises had stuck around for what felt like weeks. Not that his dad had cared. 

Fire and Ice were the kind of girls he daydreamed about, on and off, sometimes you did want a firey girl who could and would rock your world, but sometimes you wanted to spend some time with the girl next door type. Tora was the sweetest woman he’d ever met, even though she hardly had the best taste in men, hanging out with her was fun, and he felt immensely guilty every time his thoughts went to her when he spent some alone time with his right hand. 

J’onn was like... the stern but fair older man his daddy issues were crying out for, even though Ted was very careful to never, ever think those thoughts around the Martian himself, once, when he’d been hurt in a fight, J’onn had gathered him up in his arms protectively, and every part of Ted had been crying out to cling to him because at any moment the affection might be taken away. 

Then there was Max. Max, who reminded him of all the CEOs who had gotten just a little bit too handsy at a party, but like... hot this time. He shouldn’t think like that. It had to be weird to find Max attractive. Sometimes Ted would imagine them meeting while he was still in charge of his company, Max taking him in the closet as he tried desperately to conceal his moans. Ted would then spend five consecutive hours in the shower until another member of the team kicked down the bathroom door.

He knew, though, that if any of his teammates found out about the  thoughts he’d had about them while in the shower, they would be disgusted. Who would want a fat, ugly man thinking about them like that? He could see the look of contempt in their eyes already. 


	2. Booster

Ted was really fucking cute when he laughed, and it was starting to become a problem. Not that he wasn’t cute all of the time, it was just that Booster was able to control his responses more. Ordinarily, the moment that the ‘Bwa-ha-has’ started though, Booster just felt a sudden swell of affection, and the urge to press his lips against Beetle’s and just drink in all of his laughter was starting to get a little bit overwhelming. 

It was such a stupid response, if it had been getting hard every time he saw Beetle in the shower, it would have been one thing (not that Ted seemed particularly willing to use the shower in the locker room, every time they worked out together, Ted would make some excuse to go back to his room, and would show up half an hour later with damp hair. The only thing that kept Booster from feeling offended was that no one had ever seen him use the locker room, and Booster was free to imagine that he was just self-conscious about his massive schlong). But Beetle laughing? Not only did that happen about once a minute, but it was such a minor thing. Booster was genuinely worried he might start reacting to his smiles, or when their fingers accidentally brushed together while on monitor duty. 

He refused to be the chick in one of Tora’s romance novels! He just refused! 

Beetle himself didn’t seem to have any idea how Booster felt, and just being around him was starting to get a little painful. Because that was the issue wasn’t it? Ted Kord was as straight as all the guys in this era. It was strange, in Booster’s time, people would just choose to be with who they wanted to be, barely even considering their gender. But in this time period, gender was the most important thing, and he had to play along, acting like he was horrified by the very insinuation that he was in love with the person he loved most in the world. 

“Boost?” The man in question asked, leaning in close, with a look of concern on his face. Booster tried to push down the urge to kiss him until that frown was gone. “Are you feeling okay?” 

Because like an idiot, Booster had been carried away by his train of thought when Ted started laughing, he had no idea how long had passed since then, and he’d been standing there in silence the entire time, no wonder Ted was worried. 

“Sure, I’m fine,” Booster said, before realizing that that would just raise further questions. “I just have a bit of a headache.” 

Something cool pressed up against his forehead. No, Ted’s ungloved hand pressed up against his forehead, and Booster could feel his face heating up. 

“You might have a bit of a fever,” Beetle said because he was an oblivious asshole, and Booster needed to disengage from this situation immediately. 

“Teddy,” He said, trying to hide the way he swallowed, “my headache is from your garbage jokes.” 


	3. Max

“Beetle.” Max said, watching the way Ted’s ass swayed from side to side. He’d been very polite so far, not even demanding why the younger man was in his office, mostly because it didn’t seem like he was planning a prank. 

“Sorry, Max,” and the smile that Ted gave him when he turned around did seem genuinely repentant, “the security system is on the fritz, and the problem was a component in here.” 

This did explain why there was a hole in his wall, but Max tended to just naturally ignore holes around here. Sometimes, it was better not to know. 

Ted continued talking because, apparently, he found the topic of the security system fascinating. “I think it was sapping power from the rest of the building, so I took a look at it, and it turned out that a capacitor had blown, and that meant that the security system was turning off intermittently without us knowing.” 

That was a bit disconcerting. Max tried not to stare at Beetle’s ass as he crawled back inside the wall. He failed, and his eyes kept being drawn back towards the jiggling globes. Mercifully, Ted couldn’t feel the weight of his gaze. “But I improved the design with my company a few years back. Don’t think we could buy them now, according to Jeremiah... oh, that’s the guy that kept on doing get rich schemes rather than what he was employed for. Don’t know if I ever mentioned him.” 

“Reminds me of someone,” Max quipped, Ted never did talk about his time as a CEO, though, so it wasn’t like he would have ever told him anything like that. 

“Dad completely discontinued the line.” Ted sounded put out, although he couldn’t be sure whether it was because of the line, or because of Max’s comment. “Apparently to cut costs, which is bullshit, he just alienated our main supplier. Aha!” He shifted again. 

It, by which he meant Beetle’s ass, reminded Max a lot of those clubs where people’s lower half’s stuck out of holes in the wall. Where Max would sometimes go and just... sink into a willing hole, without needing to worry about who was on the other side. But, he had the feeling that from now on he was going to be imagining Ted Kord. 

He imagined standing up right now, crossing the room in a few strides, and tearing a hole in the seat of Beetle’s suit. Beetle might struggle a little as Max lathered his hole with his tongue, teasing him with it before he dipped it inside, properly rimming the man, then, Beetle would completely lose himself to pleasure as Max fucked into him, gripping the man’s love handle so that he could fuck deeper and deeper... 

Max shook his head, those were completely inappropriate thoughts to be having about an employee, he needed to excuse himself immediately. He could feel his cock, thick, and already hardening in his pants, and he couldn’t risk Beetle seeing that. “Well,” he said, “good luck then, I have other business to attend to.” Like finding somewhere private.


	4. Scott and Barda

It was just another ordinary morning in the Free household, Scott sipping on his coffee, enjoying just a few more minutes in the company of his wife before he was forced to return to the madhouse that was the Justice League International embassy, Barda upset at the prospect of having to buy more weenies for the next JL cookout. Whether she was more upset about the weenies, or bringing Scott’s coworkers into close proximity to their lovely new neighbors, who they liked, and who had not been driven away quite yet, Scott couldn’t quite tell. 

It was nice, it was quiet, and the best thing was, Barda never did anything unexpected, she didn’t drive Guy Gardner into a murderous rage with pranks, or steal League funds to fund an island casino, or... yes, land an aircraft on a weak rooftop and destroy half the embassy, or- 

“I think we should invite a third to bed with us.” 

Scott spurted out some coffee, rendering the fifth and sixth pages of the newspaper totally unreadable. No great loss, as it was talking about the goings-on in Gotham, and no one had the time to care about that. “I’m sorry, what?” He coughed. 

Barda shrugged. “Just to try something new, plus, one of your coworkers is rather cute.” 

That was odd, Scott didn’t think his wife would ever willingly invite a member of the League to their house because she didn’t want to drive off the Joneses. The cookouts she was being forced to do, and she had made clear that Booster and Beetle were not to come over to watch football again. It would have to be someone sensible and definitely not Guy Gardner. 

He flicked up a finger, he thought he had it. “Max!” 

“I have taste.” She said simply, which was slightly rude, Max was attractive, and his sleazy exterior masked a heart of gold. Not, that was, that Scott particularly wanted to sleep with him. 

“So, then... J’onn?” There, a sensible option, he knew that Barda liked J’onn, who never caused any trouble whatsoever, who was also 6 feet 7 of full muscle. Anyone would go for J’onn. 

“No... Scott...” 

He was rapidly running out of options. “Captain Atom?” He tried somewhat desperately. 

In all honesty, there was only one of his teammates that he would want in their bed. Beetle could be annoying (in fact, Beetle was annoying regularly and probably multiple times per day), but he was a good friend, and he was sweet when he wasn’t involved in either a prank or in some kind of moneymaking scheme. The shy look that Ted gave whenever you caught him without a shirt made Scott want to hold him down, kiss his whole body, and tell him how beautiful he was. There was also the fact that Scott had never been with anyone who could get close to his level of flexibility before. 

The problem was that... well, Ted was annoying, and he couldn’t see Barda going for him because of that. 

“Scott...” His wife sighed. “Don’t you have anyone on your team that you feel particularly strongly for?” 

So _he_ was supposed to choose?! Well, what was he supposed to say, he couldn’t exactly just come out and say... “No, not particularly.” 

Apparently, that was the wrong answer, because Barda stood up sharply, towering over him. “Scott Free. You _will_ march right up to Blue Beetle and you _will_ tell him that he is coming to dinner, or I will do it myself!”


	5. Guy

Something was going on with Guy, and Hal wasn’t sure that he liked it, in fact, Guy was acting particularly creepy at the moment. Guy was smiling, he was in a good mood, and it didn’t look like the kind of good mood that came from beating up a load of Rocket Reds. 

No, it was the kind of good mood that came with buying sweet treats, and Hal knew for a fact that Guy did not have a sweet tooth. If he was buying something for himself, it would be some extremely strong alien booze. It had to be for someone else, that was the only explanation. 

But it wasn’t like Guy had many close friends, either in the Corps or on Earth, and he didn’t get on with his family. So unless he was trying to make another pass at poor Ice, Hal wasn’t sure who it could be for. 

“What did ya buy?” Hal asked when curiosity got to be too much for him, leaning over the redhead’s shoulder. The box was pretty and had been well packed. It didn’t look like the kind of thing you’d gift to someone unless you cared for them. 

“None of your business, Jordan. Go bother someone else.” 

“It is my business if you’re gonna bother Tora, because guess who Bea calls to complain. It’s me. I’m the one she calls.” 

Guy snarled at him, crowding around the box so Hal couldn’t examine it any further. “It’s not for Tora, her and Bea are,” his expression soured, “an item now.” 

So Guy had found someone else he wanted then. Strange. Was it someone who Hal knew? Or was it a civilian. 

“So... you’re gonna eat them yourself? Give me one then.” 

“No, you bastard, they’re for Kor-” Guy stopped suddenly as if saying the name was painful for him. Or possibly he foresaw the world of teasing Hal was gearing up to unleash. What could he say? Guy just brought out all of his annoying younger brother instincts. 

“Kor...? Kor...?” Hal said, pretending to think for a moment. “Corporal Inconvenience?” 

Guy sneered at him. “Isn’t he one of your villains?” 

“Well, no, right now, I think he’s one of your teammates. Justice League Antarctica, I think his team is called.” 

But something was bothering Hal, something about that one syllable that sounded familiar. “Kor... Kor...” 

“You gonna quit it, or do I gotta shut you up myself?” 

“Holy shit! Ted Kord! You’ve got a crush on Blue Beetle!” 

Gardner groaned, looking down at the box in his hands as if he regretted every moment of his life that lead up to this moment. 

“Now now now,” Hal said, throwing his arm over the other Lantern’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, your good buddy Hal is going to teach you how to land the bug of your dreams.” 

“You’re gonna take him for yourself, I know you Jordan. I know how you operate.”


	6. J'onn

J’onn crept through the embassy, trying to avoid waking anyone up. It was nothing new to the alien, he was a quiet person in general, but working with this team definitely made him want to avoid any unnecessary chaos. Someone, somewhere in the building, was bound to be up to something, whether it was Guy starting a fight, or Booster and Beetle pulling some kind of prank. They were never far away from a huge argument, and right now, J’onn just wanted to go to bed. Let Max deal with the kids for a while. 

Three steps into the building, he heard Fire screaming about something (probably engaged in an argument with Guy) somewhere on the second floor, and he quickened his pace to his room. 

Something stopped him, though, when he reached the doorway to the monitor room. The room was dark, with the blue glow of the monitors being the only source of illumination. That was odd... there should be someone on monitor duty, and they would need light to see. 

J’onn took one step into the room, hoping that it wouldn’t turn out that Ted had gotten hold of a knife again, only to find the man in question sitting in the chair, in the dark, his hand propping up his chin. Dozing. 

The Martian sighed, he should have expected something like this. Beetle would sometimes fall asleep on long night shifts where nothing happened. J’onn didn’t want to have to chide him, but it just kept happening. 

Instead of striding across the room so that he could shake Beetle awake, however, J’onn reached out with his mind, skittering his consciousness over the edges of the man’s dreams. He couldn’t help it... well he could, he knew that he could, it was just that Beetle’s mind had a certain... warmth to it, a brilliance humming beneath the surface. A frequency that J’onn found inherently relaxing. 

Except for whenever Beetle was awake. Or talking. 

When he was sleeping, he didn’t think of pranks, or the best way to be an annoyance, his mind was Ted Kord, uninfluenced by any outside inputs. He would still dream about beautiful women, but if Beetle didn’t do that the Martian would immediately assume he had been replaced by a doppelganger, but in the young man’s subconscious mind the signals would get jumbled up, and you would be more likely to find someone you could have an in-depth talk about Dostoevsky with than a sex partner. Or maybe that was just what Beetle wanted in a partner, deep down, J’onn supposed it was entirely possible. 

Beetle squirmed in his sleep, giving a soft gasp of pain, and J’onn pulled back his mind immediately, sometime in the brief touching of their minds, he must have accidentally pressed against a painful memory. 

Ted blinked up at him, having been woken up with a start, and for once, the Martian Manhunter decided to take pity on him. 

“You’re tired,” he sighed, “Go to bed, I’ll take over.” 

Beetle nodded, rubbing his eye as he walked to the door. 

“And-” J’onn continued, “since you clearly need supervision, I will be joining you for your next few shifts. To keep an eye on you.”


	7. Bea and Tora

“Teddy~” Bea hummed, laying her arms over Ted’s shoulders as he worked, “Whatcha doing?” 

Ted was working on a new invention, a smaller version of the Bug, which would obviously be incapable of carrying people, but which could be used as a drone to scout out the situation from afar. A few too many times recently, he had dropped down into an area he had assumed to be clear of hostiles, only to be jumped from behind by a group of them. 

He swung his chair around to show his prototype off proudly, only to find himself way, way too close to Fire’s low cut shirt, he coughed and looked directly down at the contraption, trying not to look like he was staring. He definitely wasn’t staring. 

Ice stood in the doorway, looking nervous, and Ted hoped he hadn’t done anything to upset her. He knew that she was shy, but he’d thought they’d become close friends recently. After both of them had been fired while Max was in a coma. 

They were both watching him, and he was suddenly aware that he hadn’t said anything. “These are, uh, miniature drones, for when J’onn sends me on stealth and infiltration missions.” 

“J’onn doesn’t send you on infiltration missions,” Bea smirked. 

“He does too!” 

“Nah, he calls Batman, or Mister Terrific, someone who wouldn’t blow the whole operation by laughing the whole time.” 

“Bea!” Tora chastised, the first time she’d spoken this whole time. “You shouldn’t make fun of Ted, especially not right now.” 

She smiled at Ted, a genuine, warm smile. She really was an angel, he thought. 

“What do you call them?” She asked. 

“Oh, uh, Baby-Bugs,” As soon as he said it, he knew that it’d been a mistake because Bea broke out into peals of laughter. 

“Bea,” Tora repeated, doing her absolute best to sound stern. She half managed it. “We came here for a reason.” 

“Right, right. Do you know how to please a woman, Teddy?” 

This felt like a trick question. 

“What about two at once?” Bea’s smile was sultry, and Ted swallowed. 

This had to be a trick question. 

“We’ll be waiting upstairs, big boy, try to finish up soon.” 

Unfortunately, Ted never made it upstairs, because Doctor Polaris had to pick that moment to start razing the downtown area. Beetle comforted himself by telling himself it had probably all been a prank anyway.


	8. Ralph

Ted had escaped from the chaos of the embassy for the night, things had been a bit strange recently, and he swore that he could feel people’s eyes on him every time he made a mood. Probably, they were all suspicious of him, it had been a while since he had last pulled a prank, and when he didn’t prank anyone for a while, he tended to be winding up for something big. 

Not this time, though, he didn’t really feel like it this time. He hadn’t felt like it for a while, maybe he was just getting to be mature or something. He’d wanted to spend the evening with someone who wasn’t watching him like a hawk, someone who trusted him, someone who was marginally less likely to rope him into trouble than Booster was. 

Okay... it was Ralph, so chances were they’d get into some kind of trouble, but it was less likely the others would hear about it if it happened on a completely different continent. Ted just didn’t have many friends who were serious, Hawkman and Aquaman both hated him, and even though he got along with Ray... yeah that guy had the same issues with Hawkman that he had with Booster, and it wasn’t likely that he’d catch them apart. Dr. Will Magnus was an option, but he’d been a teacher assistant when Ted was in college, and he thought of himself as a mentor figure, definitely, and he loved to lecture Ted. 

Plus... he’d never been comfortable with the female robot, who seemed to be jealous of his friendship with her creator, and... Ted thought, had tried to murder him at least three times. Will claimed that she couldn’t possibly know about his allergies, but Ted wasn’t so sure. He didn’t really think spending the evening in that house was his idea of a good time. 

But Ralph opened the door with a smile that made all of Ted’s worries melt away. “Hey buddy, we got beer, we got snacks, we got football... well the European kind, hope that’s okay for buddy time.” 

A few hours of freedom definitely sounded good, even if Ted didn’t understand any of the rules of the sports they played here. Plus, he had heard tell of a legendary channel called Babe Station... for after Ralph went to bed. 

“Thanks, Ralph,” he sighed as he hung up his coat, “things have been getting a bit weird back home, and Bea’s trying to make me think she wants to have a threesome. She’s definitely just going to smother me with a pillow, though.” 

Ralph, because he was Ralph, took that totally in stride. “You got it buddy, us fours gotta stick together.” 

Clamping down on the urge to shout out, ‘What do you mean, I’m a four?!’ Ted bit his lower lip, watching his friend’s receding back. Yeah, he couldn’t let that slide. 

It wasn’t that Ralph wasn’t attractive, everyone knew that Bea had just been being particularly mean on the day that she had forever labeled him a four, and the others had just carried on the joke because well... sometimes they could be dicks. Ralph wasn’t a four, and even if he was, that didn’t mean he deserved to be treated worse because of it. 

He should apologize, for himself, for the others. For everything. 

“Hey, Ralph?” He asked, following his friend into the living room, Ralph had already planted his ass down on the couch. “You and Sue still in an open relationship?” 

As soon as Ralph gave the affirmative, he dropped down to his knees in front of him. “If it’s okay with you, I want to prove you’re at least a six.”


End file.
